Becoming a Mom

Let me preface this with saying that being a mom is my favorite thing ever and better than anything I've ever done in my life! Ezra is an angel and the thing I am most proud of. But I want to talk about how the first six months of being a mom (or parent in general) has still been pretty hard and something that I feel like no one can prepare you for! After talking with some friends about how no one really talks about the difficulties of the first bit of motherhood, I thought I would write about it for us. :) Even though I'm not a writer at all, and this will be all over the place for sure, I do care about helping others in any way I can, and I started this blog a few years ago because I felt like God wanted me to try to help others by sharing my experiences.

Ok. So we all think pregnancy is hard. And it is. Then we are all scared for labor and delivery and read/learn everything we can to be prepared for it. We ask everyone we know how their pregnancy was and how their delivery went and they tell us. Sometimes it helps, but not usually because every individual is SO different! Luckily I have an awesome sister-in-law who warned me a bit about the recovery after giving birth, but a lot of women that I've talked to had no idea about that part.

I'm just gonna be real. So sorry in advance. I had stitches from tearing and hemorrhoids from pressure and pushing. Once the anesthetic wore off it hurt so bad to do anything but lay down. And even that hurt. I was taking ibuprofen and sitz baths but the only thing that really helped was time and sleep.  Which, what new mom gets to sleep, right? I wanted to just sleep for a week straight after delivery. Oh yeah, I kind of always wondered before I had a baby how it worked to go to the bathroom after. Well there's lots of pain and bleeding and eventually chaffing. Yep, told you I was gonna be real. Oh and don't forget about getting peed on and pooed on and spit up on multiple times a day. I hope you have a washer at home!

Then breastfeeding hurt just as bad if not worse. I just remember sitting on my couch and trying to get as comfortable as I could before I fed Ezra. EVERY TWO HOURS. You literally feel like all you are doing is feeding. It seemed like I had just finished and it was time for him to eat again. Like my nipples had just stopped hurting and then it was time for more pain. There were even times when I would cry when he latched on because it hurt so bad. Thank goodness for Lanolin and those magic gel pads they gave me at the hospital. Then I had to get over nursing in public. At first I would pump and bring a bottle, but I said screw that pretty quick. Now I'm a pro and so glad because it's so much easier to just do the real thing. With the whole normalize breastfeeding thing going on and all the laws that have been passed I just am embracing it! I'm proud to be able to feed my baby with my body! That's what it was made for!

They say to sleep while the baby sleeps but I couldn't seem to do that at first. I just felt like I needed to be awake for him even if he was sleeping. Even when my stepmom and mother-in-law and husband were there. Eventually I learned that it was fine and to sleep every chance I got! You literally feel like a zombie just going through the motions trying to stay alive and keep the baby alive. And most of us look like zombies too haha. Oh and I can't forget to mention that my dad asked why I still looked pregnant when we got home from the hospital HA! Yes, your uterus stays huge for a bit but don't worry it will shrink and you will too eventually! I felt like a disaster and my house felt like a disaster, which made me feel worse because I thrive on cleanliness and organization! Those things are just so minimal and unimportant though compared to the amazing opportunity you have to just spend time with a sweet newborn and the friends and family who come to support you.

Two or three weeks passed and I started to feel like a normal person again! Yay! Then the other difficulties came. There is the initial euphoria of this beautiful babe that's all yours. People bring you food and your mom or someone is there to help (hopefully), so really you are just dealing with the physical stuff at first. Then everyone leaves and goes back to their normal lives and you get the inadequacy and uncertainty of whether you can actually do this. Like how could God trust me with such a perfect, precious child of His and what if I mess up?! Then I was still tied to the house and the baby for the most part because I had to feed him what felt like every second. I would get so frustrated because my husband could leave for hours and do fun stuff and I couldn't (I still struggle with this one six months later). I felt like my life had completely changed and his had barely changed. Especially since he was such a heavy sleeper that he barely woke up at night when the baby did. Then there's finding a babysitter if you want to go out without baby. And not being able to just up and leave anytime you want because you have to get a third person ready and out the door which takes like at least 30 more minutes.

One of my favorite authors, Rachel Hollis, talks about this topic in her book Girl, Wash Your Face. And I'm going to talk about a bunch of her stuff now because it has helped me tremendously with this hard thing. She said it was the first time she was sure she hated her husband. I laughed when I read that because that's exactly how I felt! And she says it's totally normal and likely to happen again. Good to know. ;)

As you grow and the baby grows certain things get better and new obstacles arise! My body finally felt normal again after like 3-4 months. Looking back it seemed like that time was going by so slow but it actually went lightning fast! I'm so glad I just enjoyed each moment and didn't worry or rush too much because they are only little for so long. Now we get to actually play and chat and eat real food and it's a blast!

Here's the thing. You aren't going to mess up. You are blessed with mom super powers. I know that sounds dumb, but I sincerely believe I gained more than a baby when Ezra was born. God wouldn't put us here and ask us to "multiply and replenish the earth" and then just leave us hanging. Rachel says, "you can't fail at a job you were created to do." She talks about how a new mother's list of daily goals boil down to 1) take care of the baby (feed, cuddle, change diaper, keep it warm, love it), and 2) take care of yourself. My baby is almost 7 months old and I still remind myself of this advice when I feel like I have to do a million things. If you are both still alive at the end of the day you know what that means? SUCCESS!!!

Rachel says what helped her was finding friends who were also new moms, staying away from social media, getting out of the house, and talking to someone about her feelings. I have used all of these and they have helped me as well! I have also tried to find time everyday for me. Lately it's been mornings before Ezra and Scott wake up. I do my workout and make breakfast and listen to something uplifting that starts my day off right. I could go on forever about this stuff but I think this post is long enough! I hope anyone will feel comfortable asking me anything because I love to talk about my experiences and help in any way I can!

My Hero

I was thinking about how I hadn't done a blog post in awhile...and how it's Father's Day weekend. So I thought, why not write a post about my dad! He is not only my hero but has always been my best friend, and he has been through a lot of hard things. 

I see parenting in general, and specifically my parents, in a whole different light now that I am a parent. I often think about my parents--where they were at and what they were doing--when they got pregnant with and had me, their first child together. I wish I could see them then and have more memories of us when I was little. I know it was hard for them, and I so appreciate their perseverance and resilience. I remember living in the trailer park near Canyon Park. Playing in Coal Creek, my dad teaching me to ride a bike, my mom trying to make me eat tunafish. We went to the Old Rock Church and my dad always jokes about how the only time he ever had to push me to go to church was in the stroller haha :) Like most first time parents, I'm sure they had no idea what they were doing, but they made it work, and I think I turned out just fine! ;)

When people ask me the most valuable lesson I learned growing up, I usually say hard work. I watched my parents both work so hard. They were my inspiration as coaches and teachers. My mom had three jobs. My dad worked on the mountain in the summer and went to college during the school year. I remember my first time working with him on the mountain building fence. I was probably about ten years old and I remember thinking, holy crap, how does he do this all day every day?! We were lugging trees up a huge hill and loading them into the truck. I realized that's how he was so buff haha! Every day he works up there he has a "safety lesson" where he reads the thought of the day from President Gordon B. Hinckley's Stand a Little Taller book. He knows God will protect him and all his workers if they start their day with that and a prayer.

I cannot even imagine going to college with three kids! It was hard enough with no kids! Good thing he had me to help him write his papers ;) But my dad pushed through and I remember the day he graduated. I was SO proud. I remember him staying up late studying for hours for the Math Teaching Praxis test. I lost count of how many times he had to take it before he finally passed, but he just kept right on trying until he did. Now, I had to take that test, so I understand how hard it was ha :)

I'm not an addict, so I can't relate as well to it, but I am pretty sure overcoming addiction is one of the hardest things one could have to do. I watched my dad go to 12 step class every week. Sometimes I would go with. It always made me proud of him. He always had a testimony of Christ and the Atonement. And he used it. The strength that it takes every single day is unbelievable, but he has it. And he shares it with others. He uses his experience to help them.

Funny that I thought I would be able to write this without crying. 

Having a highway patrolman walk up to you at a wrestling and tell you your wife of 19 years had been in an accident. Then going and telling your two kids that were there with you.
Having to calling your teenage daughter on the phone and tell her her mom is gone.
Having to plan a funeral for someone you thought would be planning yours.
Having to parent three kids on your own when you've always had a partner to help you do it.
Having to figure out how to comfort them when you have no idea how to even comfort yourself...

Having to go through every other hard thing about losing a spouse. I cannot even imagine. I often think about how that would probably be the hardest thing I'd ever have to do, in my opinion. I lived in the basement my senior year, and I would hear my dad walking around upstairs in the middle of the night because he couldn't sleep. I would cry for him and my heart still breaks for him. He started dating and that was hard after not doing it for 20 years! But he showed so much faith, and because of that, my mom and God helped him find the perfect person to marry and be his companion for the rest of this life. Because being alone...HARD.

After all of that, blending a family is still freaking difficult. We all still sometimes struggle with things not being how they used to be, even though it's been almost six years! My heart goes out to everyone who is a stepparent and who has brought two families together. Parenting your own kids is hard enough, but figuring out how to parent another person's kids with them and love them as your own is the work of angels! It takes a lot of humility, love, and patience. Thank goodness my dad and stepmom both have those qualities! And they get to practice them every day ;)

My dad lost his dad a couple years after he lost my mom and I know that was really hard on him. He looked up to his dad so much and still misses him a lot. But he always says how he now has these two angels looking out for him and helping him through.

He teaches and coaches high school kids in the way that Jesus Christ himself would. A lot of these kids struggle. They've had rough childhoods. Their parents may or may not be in the picture. Then he has his own wayward children to deal with. But my dad parents them. All of them. I've watched him teach and coach and be a dad and it literally brings tears to my eyes because I feel the love he has for them pouring out. I wonder how he does it, and I hope someday I know, because I want to do it. I have wanted to be just like him ever since I can remember. And I will be happy if I'm half the teacher/coach/parent that he is. 

Pregnancy!

I can't believe it's been over a year since I wrote a blog post! Yikes! I wish I was more on top of it. I really don't have an excuse. But today Scott is gone and I just had a feeling I should write! It's less than a month till our little guy gets here! I can't believe how fast it has gone. But I want to give a little backstory of the pregnancy in hopes that it can help someone out there. :)

I was going to be finished with school in December 2017 and then we are moving out of state in April 2018. So we wanted to try to have a baby within this four month window while we were still in Utah near family. We were very blessed and basically got pregnant right away last spring. We only knew for a week or so before I lost the baby. It was during finals and the process of moving to Kansas for our summer job, so I didn't really even have time to realize what was happening. Of course I was sad, but I was also so busy that I didn't have much time to think about it.

Scott's summer job is very demanding and we hardly ever see each other. I was also working and taking a full school schedule. Eventually during the summer it hit me and I got pretty down. With my friends being pregnant and having babies I was sad that I wasn't. I wondered if it was something I did. The one thing I have always known I'm supposed to do in this life is be a mom, so I just felt lost. Then I also felt guilty for being sad because there are people who can't get pregnant or lose their babies later on, so my problem seemed so minuscule comparatively. Any miscarriage is hard, but knowing the anatomy of it, how often it happens, and God's plan helped Scott and I overcome the sadness we felt. I just had to trust that everything would happen how it was supposed to, even if it wasn't the timing I had expected.

Pregnancy is different for every single person, and I have been pretty blessed to have a relatively normal and healthy one. But now I know that having a baby in December would have been SO HARD for me! My first trimester I was sick but it was mostly after I was finished with my summer classes and work and before starting student teaching. Then I was blessed to be student teaching during mostly my second trimester, when I had energy and mobility. I just got back from a little walk around the block today and it was painful and exhausting, so I can't imagine teaching PE all day every day in this condition haha!  And then the past couple months since finishing school in December I've had time to prepare for baby to get here while still working a flexible job.

Yes I'm in pain and uncomfortable and ready for him to get here. Yes it has killed me to not be able to exercise or sleep like I want to. Yes my body may never be the same. But, just feeling him move inside of me gives me hope and patience and so much love already. It is an amazing privilege and responsibility to grow a human and bring him into this world! I'm a first time mom and don't know really anything about babies or motherhood. I'm sure it will be hard, but so so worth it. Like I said, I feel like I was born to be a mom and am so grateful and excited that I get to be one! I wouldn't have made it this far without all the amazing mothers in my life, and I am grateful for their continual support and love and example to me.

Healthy Eating!

Eating healthy is hard. I know this first of all because I do it. And second, because less than 15% of the population gets enough fruits and vegetables in their diet (according to the CDC). Pretty sure if it were easy then a lot more people would do it :)

Let me tell you about my diet growing up. We always had the necessities: cereal, milk, eggs, and bread. This means cocoa pebbles, fruit loops, 2% milk, and white bread. We ate dinner together once a week, on Sundays. It was usually a boxed dinner like hamburger helper with some canned corn or green beans. My parents worked a ton and didn't really cook, so we often had ramen or mac and cheese or cereal for dinner. As I grew up I started to learn more about nutrition and asked for wheat bread, 1% milk, and some fresh fruits and veggies.

My freshman year at college I tried to eat as healthy as I knew how, but school stress led to emotional eating. My roommates and I made desserts every week. If I failed a test, I'd comfort myself with ice cream. If I did well on a test, I'd reward myself with ice cream. I was studying every minute I wasn't working and in class, which means finding time to work out wasn't easy either. Before I knew it, the dreaded "freshman 15" was a real thing for me. Then I left on my mission and couldn't control all of my meals because we were fed by members (thank goodness though). So I just didn't worry about the weight because I was focused on the work. But everything changed when I got home.

I lived at home for a couple months, where the groceries were about the same as when I grew up, so I bought my own food. I had green smoothies and wheat bread and good protein. I knew I wanted and needed to get fit again because I knew I would feel healthier and better about myself. I registered for a half marathon so I would be motivated to run every day. But...

I know, none of this explains how we can make eating healthy easier. Here are some things that helped me.

• Educate yourself on what is actually healthy! Use trusted sources and ask me if you have any questions! I'm not saying I'm an expert, but I have learned a lot from reading books and taking classes. Sometimes what we think is good for us is really not! You don't need to "go on a diet," you just need to change your mindset and find foods that you like that are good for you! 
• Make plans for meals and snacks and make a grocery list! Don't have things that tempt you accessible. Remember, a goal is just a wish until you write it down. This definitely applies to getting healthy food! 
  
• Use Pinterest! I have found so many recipes on Pinterest that I keep going back to. It makes it easy to find quick meals, healthy meals, specific ingredient meals, diet restriction meals, etc.!
• Exercise! When you exercise you want to eat healthier and vice versa because they both make you feel good and it becomes a wonderful cycle!
• Be accountable. In one of my classes we had to track our meals on an app for four weeks. I knew my teacher was paying attention and I didn't want him to see that I had a brownie with ice cream, so I wouldn't eat it!
• Just eat it. I didn't used to like plain greek yogurt or celery or tomatoes or peppers or avocados. Now I do. I know it might not work for everyone, but I somehow in my head convinced myself that these things tasted good because they were good for me, and now I actually really like them! 
• Remember that your body is a gift and it's one of the few things we can take with us when we leave this life. 
  
• It's not as expensive as you think. I think about how I will most likely have less medical expenses when I am old if I pay to take care of my body now. You can't put a price on your health. 
• Start small. Don't restrict yourself from everything you like. For example, I love ice cream, so I let myself eat it every once in awhile. If you restrict yourself completely, you will just want it more and be more likely to "relapse," for lack of a better word. Jillian Michaels even said that an 80/20 balance on our diet is a good way to go. You don't have to be 100% healthy all the time, just be a little better everyday! 
  

Eating clean has changed my life, and I am so much happier. I feel better about myself inside and out! Once you get started, it's not as hard as it seems! Just try it for a few weeks and let me know how it goes! Before you know it it will be a habit :) I am a health and fitness coach because this is what I'm passionate about and I want to help anyone and everyone enjoy the feeling of being healthy and fit!

Change

Sitting in church today I thought about how amazing it is that we can change. Some of us hate it. Because changing is hard, of course, or else I wouldn't be writing about it. :) But if you really think about it, being able to change is a huge blessing. What if we had to always remain?.. Yikes!... Progression and change bring happiness. Progression and change in ourselves brings happiness.

I've learned the hard way that I can't change other people. I've also learned that as I change, those around me often do too. For example, I love a clean house. It makes me so so happy to have everything in order. Now first let me say how I have an amazing husband who will do anything for me and loves me more than I could ever even hope for. He is perfect for me and I am so thankful for him! Now, for the past year I have been hoping that Scott will change and also love a clean house like I do. That he will automatically do the dishes or put his clothes away (he's got taking out the trash down pretty well;). Well, hoping for that change and trying to force it got really discouraging. Finally, I realized that I need to be the one to change. As I continued to think about it, I needed to make a lot of changes in order to bring the most happiness to me and my family. It was so overwhelming. I knew it was going to be hard. 

I am still a nagging wife, and I may always be. But, over the past couple months I have learned and grown so much. I take it day by day and do small things like kindly expressing my thoughts and feelings, letting the things go that really don't matter, thinking before I speak or act, and, most importantly, praying. Every night I've pleaded for help from my Heavenly Father. I know my Savior had to overcome my weaknesses, and I know that He will always be right by my side as I strive to overcome them as well. (Yes, I have tons more besides the clean house thing!)

It is because of Jesus Christ and His Atonement that we can change. Whether it be diet or a bad habit or negative attitude or nagging. Because He's been there, we are allowed to change and repent. I honestly don't know what I would do without that. Every night I get on my knees to pray and know I made mistakes. So every night I thank God that He sent His Son to pay for those mistakes and make it possible for me to fix them then next day. Then I ask for help to fix them and commit to doing my best. That is all He asks of us. Our best efforts. So, yes, changing is hard. But when you have to do it, I encourage you to think about how you even get to do it, and that can make it a little easier.

12

Scott and I just celebrated our first anniversary! It was so great. We went to Moab and camped, biked, and hiked. I can't believe it's been a year already--12 months! Time flies when you're having fun, right? Really though, I have had the most fun of my whole life in the past year with Scott. I've done things I never thought I would be able to do. However, I'm not gonna lie. Amidst all the fun, there have been hard times. Marriage is a huge learning experience! (Especially when you only dated for 5 months) haha ;) So, I think it's really important to find fun things that you love, to make up for hard things, because you know the good always outweighs the not good.

One example. Scott's job is so hard. Like so hard. I honestly have no idea how he does it, but I am so grateful he does. He is already such a good provider! He works 12 hours a day basically every day of the summer--April to August. He knocks on doors in the heat and humidity, selling pest control to strangers that soon become friends. He's done that for three years now. Last summer we were dating and it was so hard to be apart. This summer we saw each other for like one hour per day, which was when he got home and ate dinner then went to bed. So, it wasn't only hard for him, but it was hard for me to not spend time with him!

However, the company he works for, Moxie, is incredible. Their culture and values make us proud to be a part of something so great. Every night I thanked my Father in Heaven for the amazing people we got to work with. Both of us improved as people and learned skills that will benefit us for the rest of our lives. I would recommend Moxie to anyone who wants to be successful in the future. Plus, amidst all the hard, we did some really fun things! Even though Scott worked his butt off all week, when it came to Saturday night, there was always something fun for us to do, even if it was just a nice restaurant :) When you work hard and do your best and reach your goals, there are often really great rewards.

So, I know this is kind of all over the place. But basically, make time for fun among hard times, and work through them to reach your goals. I promise you won't regret it :)

Sky Diving

Last weekend we got to go indoor skydiving! It was so neat. There were about 15 of us and it was a completely new thing to everyone. We had no idea what we were doing and to be honest, we all kinda sucked at first. But, we had a talented instructor who taught us the safety tips, rules, and hand signals. He held us up in the shoot until we had the right body position to be able to fly on our own. He let us bump into walls sometimes so we could learn how to push off. And if we were about to be in trouble he would reach in and help out. Skydiving is a strength of his and was a weakness for most of us that first time.

This got me thinking about all my weaknesses I've been made aware of over the past year or so. It's not easy swallowing our pride and admitting that we are weak. However, God has given us weaknesses so we can be made strong. He tell us in the Book of Mormon, another testament of Jesus Christ similar to the Bible: And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

The closer we get to God, the more we realize our weaknesses. But, I love where it says his grace is sufficient. I have soooo many things I need to work on. I can't become strong on my own. I have to use God's grace. I have to use the Atonement of my Savior Jesus Christ to help me get there. It is a process. It's hard. It won't happen overnight. But He is constantly reaching out for us as we reach out for Him. Just like our skydiving instructor who wouldn't let us bash our face on the wall, our Father in Heaven and His Son will not let us fall.

...because of Him, and all He did and all He was and is, we too can triumph.

We also can overcome. We can live abundantly in the midst of trials.

If we choose to behold Him and accept and apply His saving gospel, He will save us.

He will rescue us from the effects of our own fallen natures and foibles, and He will save us from sin, from spiritual mediocrity, and from ultimate, eternal failure. 

He will purge, refine, beautify, and eventually even perfect us.

He will give us joy and peace. He is the key to abundant life.

(Elder L. Whitney Clayton)

Transitions

This year in school I had classes where I got to go to elementary and junior high schools to teach PE. Before we taught we had to create a lesson plan with the different aspects of a lesson such as warm up, fitness, focus, and closure. The hardest part of executing our lesson plan was the transitions in between these aspects. We had to consider the equipment used, the formations we needed the students to be in, creating teams, and the actually instruction and demonstration of skills. I did not master the transitions and have a long ways to go before I get it down, but each lesson I taught had improvement. Lately I've been thinking about how this ability to transition smoothly is applicable to life in general.

The semester ended in April, and almost immediately after finals Scott and I drove out to Kansas City, where we are working for the summer. Leading up to this transition I was freaking out about leaving everything behind (the stress of finals wasn't helping), even if it was only for four months. When we got here I couldn't believe that it actually happened. I left my family, friends, school, car, and job back in Utah, and here I was in Kansas with nothing but my husband and a job. It was scary. And hard.

What has really helped me in this transition is focusing on all the great things about it, rather than all the unfortunate parts. Rather than thinking about how I'm not around all my family, I think about I get this time to focus and build my marriage without outside influence from anyone. Rather than thinking about how none of my friends came out here with us, I remember that I am making new friends and lasting relationships. Rather than thinking about how I'm not at the math lab doing what I already know how to do, I think about how I am learning so many new skills that will help me in my future. Rather than thinking about how I could be taking classes, I think about how great it will be to not have debt after college because we worked hard in the summers.

Making transitions in life is something that is inevitable really. But one way we can deal with it is to think about the things that are still there that we appreciate, even among all the changes. I'm still K'Loni. I still have my same hobbies and talents and get to build those. The same people still love me and I love them. All this really is is an opportunity to grow.

I am still a daughter of a loving Heavenly Father who sent me here and give me amazing experiences so I can learn and grow and become more like Him. Try to at least remember that when you are going through a hard transition.

The Gift of Life

I have been kicking myself that I haven't blogged since the wedding. I've thought of so many things that I could write about over the last few months, but other things always seem to get in the way. However, this time I couldn't let that happen, because I had to express how grateful I am for just life itself. It is probably the hardest thing we ever have to do overall, so it kinda fits the theme :)

I've been able to celebrate the birth of Jesus this last week, as well as my own birth today. But I have never felt so much appreciation for either his life or mine. I read a book over the last week that talked a lot about the Atonement and how it can cleanse us and change us. I needed that reminder and am so happy that through Christ's death, sacrifice, and resurrection, we can have life. Physical and spiritual. Him and our Father in Heaven give us breath everyday. How often to we realize that and appreciate it? My outlook on that has completely changed since Sunday.

On our way to church, my husband Scott and I got in a car accident. We hydroplaned and spun into oncoming traffic. As I was sitting in the truck watching it spin, I honestly thought my life was going to be over. When our truck was hit by another truck, my door popped open and I was ejected and thrown to the ground. As soon as I felt myself hit the ground I got up and ran to the shoulder of the road because I didn't want to get hit by a car. I fell to my knees on that grass and thanked God that Scott and I were somehow still alive.

Here I am today, celebrating my 22nd birthday. How? My only explanation is that miracles do happen. The EMTs said they had never seen anyone be thrown from a vehicle and be as fine as I was. The ER doctor told me hat there is a 50% mortality rate when people are ejected from vehicles, and that I was the luckiest girl in Indianapolis that day. All I could think or say was that I have angels watching over me. I so easily could have died. And I left the emergency room with the diagnoses of a only a sprained neck and sprained back. So I am a little sore. That's it. Oh, and I have a little bump on my forehead. ;) It was very emotional thinking about how I still get to hug my family and talk with them face to face. How I get to go back to school and work and doing all the things that I love. I will forever thank my Heavenly Father for the breath I am given every single day by Him. I believe that everything happens for a reason. He must still need me here, and I want to continue to give my life to Him so He can use my how He needs to. Life is precious. Let us try to always remember that, not just when something tragic happens. Yes, life is hard. But it is the only way we can learn and grow to become like God our Father. And it will be so worth it.

I Want...

While reading the scriptures this morning, I came across a verse that I hadn't noticed much in the past. It is in the Book of Mormon and is talking about Christ's church that has been set up on the American continent by a prophet of God. It reads, "And this he said unto them, having been commanded of God; and they did walk uprightly before God, imparting to one another both temporally and spiritually according to their needs and their desires" (Mosiah 19:29).

I've had discussions with people who think that God only cares about our needs. That small things don't matter to Him, because they may be things that don't really help on our eternal progression. These might include where you live or if you make the volleyball team or where you work or how well you do at your job. But I'm of the impression that if it matters to us, it matters to our Father in Heaven. He may not give us all of our desires all the time, but I believe that He does care. And if we look back and really think about the blessings in our lives, were they all really just a necessity that we absolutely needed?.. David J. Ridges wrote study helps for all of the scriptures, and this is the quote he included with the above mentioned scripture.

"...the Lord is not interested in only our 'bare bones' needs. Rather, in the true gospel, and through the Spirit, much attention is given to individual wants, talents, abilities, etc. It is probable that many of the sweet blessings and 'tiny miracles' in your life have had to do with our wants and desires, not just your needs for survival. Thus, you have the knowledge that the Lord's interested in you as an individual, and that He knows you well, and enjoys blessing you in ways that are unique, intimate, warm, and special to you."

I've found through experience lately that God finds ways to help us with our needs and desires. For example, after deciding to get married in the Fall, I had to sell my housing contract and start looking for an apartment to live in when we get married. It was such a pain. I was stressing out looking online, calling and emailing people, and visiting different apartments for weeks. I was praying for help to find a place, but after not finding what we wanted I changed my prayers a bit. The Lord knew my desires, but I started asking Him to put us where He needs us and where we can serve Him best. Prayer is about aligning our will with God's, not telling Him what to do for us. This is often a hard thing, but I've found that as we do it we can better notice the Lord's hand in our lives and realize that our needs and desires are fulfilled simultaneously.

When You Least Expect It...

Many people will tell you that God answers prayers. And I am definitely one of those people. However, even if we believe that He will answer, we still tend to ask that those questions of "when" and "how" that answer will come. We humans can be pretty demanding and kind of high maintenance. We want what we want, and we want it now. So, when we don't get that, it can be hard. One of my favorite quotes is by President Uchtdorf, an apostle of Jesus Christ. He said, " The Lord's promises are not always swift, but they are always certain." God promises that He will answer us and give us what we need. That is certain. Whether it's tomorrow, next year, or when you least expect it, it is certain. 

I have been home from my mission for nine months now. Crazy, I know. I knew that once I got home the next thing we work towards is marriage and having a family. I also knew that I was nowhere near ready for that stuff. But, I started praying anyways. I asked Heavenly Father to at least just help me be prepared so that when I met the right person, I would know that it was right. But that was it. I was not asking for a time frame or a prince charming or anything like that. I was in no rush; I was just leaving it up to God.

I started school in January at BYU, where there is a lot of pressure to date and get married. I remember being home one weekend after having been at school for few weeks and having a conversation with my amazing stepmom. She asked me how dating was going and all that fun stuff, and I told her that I wasn't really worried about it. That it wasn't very high on my priority list and I was just kind of going with the flow of whatever happened. If I got asked, I'd go, but I wasn't necessarily seeking... She told me that I needed to at least pray for Father to send the angels to prepare someone really great for me. And she said I needed to do my part. Whether it was one date per week or whatever, but that I at least had to try. Now don't get me wrong, I wasn't avoiding dating. But I wasn't fond of having a different first date every weekend, half of them being blind. But, I agreed to at least add to my prayers that someone would be prepared for me. 

After a couple months of that, a friend that I had since the beginning of the semester asked me on a date. I said yes, because I always said yes to at least a first date. And he was pretty cute too, so it wasn't hard. :) It ended up being one of the best dates I'd been on. So, we kept going on dates and hanging out. He ended up leaving for the summer, and it sucked. I was always so wishy washy and unsure about our relationship, which I'm sure drove him insane, but I kept praying for those things that I had been praying for for months. I'll admit that I was getting a little impatient with God for not letting me know if this was the right person for me to be with. But, I knew that God had a plan for me and I was learning to accept that. Even if it was a hard thing. 

Well, long story short, I went to visit this boy one weekend, and it just clicked. That is the only way I know how to explain it. I was not expecting that to happen at all, but like I said, sometimes God answers our prayers when we least expect it. After praying all that time to know when it was right, I knew. There were no more doubts. Nothing had ever felt so right to me. No, there wasn't writing in the sand that said, "MARRY HIM," which is what we sometimes wish would happen. I had been praying for someone great to be prepared for me, and for me to be prepared for whoever that may be. And, after weighing it out logically and emotionally and spiritually, that happy feeling I had while I was there had to be my answer. It was everything I could have asked for, even if the timing wasn't what I had imagined. 

Remember, this doesn't only have to be about dating or getting married. It could be for anything that is in our future--jobs, housing, family, school. If we continue to trust in God and ask, His time table is much better than ours, and the right thing will happen exactly when it is supposed to. So keep praying. Keep working. And keep that faith in God and His timing. Because when you can look back and see the bigger picture, it will all my perfect sense, just like it did to Him the whole time. 

Communication is Key

An old friend of mine would use his famous line: "Confidence is key." I would just laugh whenever he said it because I always thought he was too confident. However, as I've grown up more I've found it to actually be pretty true. But it's also led me to realize how communication is also key. When we talk about boys or dating one of my roommates would always say "open, honest, direct" is the best way to go. But the more I've thought about it and had experiences, the more I've learned that it is always the best policy, not just with dating.

It takes effort to communicate.
Not everyone is naturally open.
Being honest can be a hard thing.
I think it's totally human to beat around the bush and be indirect.
But as I've paid attention and observed different peoples' communication skills, I've noticed that when we know how to communicate it can really improve our relationships and stress levels!

So, how do you do it? Well, I'm no expert. I wish I was. But I've seen my communication improve just as my awareness has increased. I think it's one of those things that takes practice and is a life long learning process. It goes back to confidence--we need it to be open and honest.  I've been around quite a few terrible communicators and also some really great ones. I try to take what I see them do or don't do and apply it. For example, my mom was the best listener I know, so I've been trying to be a better listener thanks to her example. Lately my dad and I seem to forget to tell each other important things, so we are both working on keeping each other in the loop more. It really is the small things. Then, once you get started, it gets easier.

I am so grateful for the relationships that I have now where good communication is a priority on both sides. There isn't secrets or games or dishonesty, and it makes it much easier to grow and keep building these friendships that are so necessary. Too often we let fear stop what would be a great relationship. But we can always pray for strength and courage to say the right things at the right times. Yes, it can be scary and a hard thing, but learning how to be a better communicator and being open, honest, and direct is SO worth it when you see the positive effect it has in different aspects of your life.

Can't stop, won't stop

Title is stolen from Nike, but I feel like this is just the attitude you have to have when you have hard things to get through. Just keep swimming. Never give up. Put one foot in front of the other. Easier said than done, I know. But when we somehow find a way to just push through, we eventually end up at the end, even if we don't know how we got there.

For example, last week I finished the semester. It wasn't easy. College isn't really easy. Finals always seem like they will be the death of me. But somehow I walk out of that last test and realize that I did it, and I'm still alive. We can survive and feel accomplished by not stopping. Just doing our very best, even when we feel like we can't go on. My dad always told me that I wasn't a failure unless I didn't finish. There were times this semester where I felt zero motivation to study. Where I couldn't even stay awake sitting in the library. Where I just wanted to run away! (Sometimes I did, but I'll get to that). However, I knew I didn't have a choice, so I just thought about how I want to be happy in the future and took another step forward.

Sometimes, I had to literally take that step forward. These are the times when I didn't quit, but took a little break. I love to run, and that's what I would do to keep me going. If I tried to go a whole day with just study and no work out, I would feel like...just yuck! You can also find that thing that makes you happy and gives you that little boost to keep going. It helps to find something to work towards. I purposely registered for half marathon that was the week finals ended. It motivated me to just finish classes strong so I could go to St. George and run that race that I'd been looking forward to for months. So I felt good finishing finals, but the real feeling of accomplishment came when I crossed that finish line.

I can't even begin to describe how amazing it felt. Yes, while I was running my knees hurt and I was hungry and tired and wanted to stop and walk, but I just kept going. I wanted to be able to say, "I ran 13.1 miles without stopping." We all want to be able to say we did our very best in whatever we do. And when we do that, imagine how it will feel when we cross that short term finish line, or the long term one at the end of our lives. I want to be able to say that I took another step forward. I kept swimming. I didn't give up. I'm not a quitter or a failure, because I FINISHED.

Support

To continue on a little bit about the story of my mom from the last post, I want to write about how we can use others for support when we go through hard things. Like I mentioned, I was with my cheerleading team when I heard about my mom. We were at the national competition in Disneyland, my last time ever competing. Everyone is supposed to leave their stuff in the practice gym, but I felt like I needed to keep my phone on me. We were up in this big stadium watching the teams perform and waiting for our turn. My dad called so I stepped out to talk to him. He was crying hysterically and told me that everything was going to be okay. I was so confused, but then he told me that my mom was gone. I literally could not believe it. I was eighteen years old, and I felt like my life was falling apart. The first person who saw me crying on the phone was one of the cheerleaders running the competition. I'd never met her, but she just hugged me until I got off the phone. She assured me that everything was going to okay and that Heavenly Father and my mom were watching over me and helping me.

That was the first of many comforting words and hugs. From a complete stranger. She will never know the affect she had on me, because I will never forget that. After that my teammates and their parents and my coaches were so amazing. We still performed and did the best we ever had. I had hundreds of phone calls, texts, Facebooks messages, emails, cards, and letters of support and comfort from probably everyone that I know. My coach drove me back to Utah early so I could be with my family. A friend then drove me to Richfield where my family was staying with my grandma. I can't even begin to describe all the ways we were served and loved.

Probably the most support we felt was the next day as we listened to the Prophet of God give comforting words about the Plan of Happiness that God put forth for all His children. Thomas S. Monson, President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints reminded us the answers to the questions--Where did we come from? Why are we here? Where are we going? This man didn't know what my family was going through, but God did. And I know without a doubt that President Monson receives revelation from God for us, so that we can learn, grow, receive the comfort that we need, and be happy.

One of my favorite things to do is talk to people. I love when they listen and sincerely care about what I am saying, and I am so grateful for those who have done that for me. I am learning to be that person, and be better at listening, so I can provide the love and support that others do for me. The smallest phrases and gestures can do wonders for someone who is going through a hard time. When I get home from school and my roommate asks me how my day was, it means so much to me! Or when they other one asks me if I need dinner. I feel so much love from them and for them.

When it rains, it pours, right? Well the past few weeks were kinda rough for me. But they were also pretty tough for my two roommates/best friends. I needed them, but they also needed me. I realized that God was giving me and opportunity to get outside of myself and help them, which was exactly what I needed to get through my rain. So when dealing with hard things, take advantage of those people who are willing to help you, support you, and comfort you, and try to do the same for them :)

He Is Risen

Isn't this time of year so amazing? Trees and flowers blooming, birds chirping, baby cows--NEW LIFE! Spring is beautiful, and part of what makes it so beautiful is the Easter holiday. It's my favorite because it reminds us of the resurrection of our Savior Jesus Christ, and how we can all be resurrected as well. We will all have new life. We will all live again after we die. This simple truth has gotten me through the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. 

Exactly three years ago my mom was killed in a car accident. The death of a loved one is hard on everyone, but the knowledge I have of the Gospel of Jesus Christ and His Atonement is what has gotten me through every day since it happened. I was in California at a cheerleading competition when my dad called and told me about the accident. Nothing can prepare you for news like that, but I was overwhelmed with peace as I prayed and sought heaven's help with my cheer team. My family was showered with love and support from everyone, which was so helpful. But, when people asked me how I was dealing so well with it, my only answer was that I have the constant comfort of the Spirit of the Lord, along with the knowledge that I will see my mom again. 

Lucky for us, Easter was the next weekend. We were again reminded that our Lord and Savior rose on the third day so that we all may do the same. Death is not the end. That is a solid fact that I know without a doubt to be true. It doesn't make things easy, but it does make them a little bit less hard. Yes, I still miss my mom everyday. I wish so bad that I could call her and tell her about my life. She was the best listener ever. But I know that she is with me. She helps me everyday. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles once said, 

"In the gospel of Jesus Christ you have help from both sides of the veil and you must never forget 

that. When disappointment and discouragement strike—and they will—you must remember and never forget that if our eyes could be opened we would see horses and chariots of fire as far as the eye can see riding at reckless speed to come to our protection. They will always be there, these armies of heaven…" 

They really are. I felt my mom everyday on my mission. I know that Heavenly Father had work for her to do on the other side. I am so grateful for her example of hard work and love that prepared me to do what she had done for us. It was my senior year of high school. I was just trying to graduate and get out of that town. I took on the responsibility of cleaning, laundry, cooking, rides, etc. Is there any possible way I could have done that alone? NO! I had her. I had my friends and family. But most of all I had my Savior Jesus Christ and my Father in Heaven. Their Plan is absolutely perfect. Once we come to realize that, life gets less hard. Easter reminds us of that Plan, so try to remember it more and share it with those who need it this time of year. :) 

xoxo

Loni

Decisions!

Oh decisions! I feel like they can be the hardest things ever sometimes! We are so blessed that God gave us our freedom of choice, but aren't there times you wish He would just tell you exactly what to do? I know I've felt that way. But I've learned that He will often trust us to make decisions on our own because if the right choice was always just handed to us, what would we learn? I've also learned that God loves us so much that He won't leave us hanging. He knows exactly what we need. I read an amazing scripture in the Book of Mormon today, But the Lord knoweth all things from the beginning; wherefore, he prepareth a way to accomplish all his works among the children of men; for behold, he hath all power unto the fulfilling of all his words. And thus it is. Amen. (1 Nephi 9:6). We might always know where we will end up, but He does, and He will help us get there because He wants us to be happy and return to live with Him someday. 

I've been thinking a lot lately about what I really want to do with my life career wise and if I am studying the right thing in school. I was kind of putting off the decision because I didn't want to make it. Then I got an email reminding me about how soon class registration is. Yikes! So it was time to crack down. I didn't want to talk to anyone about this because I tend to let others sway my decisions. I finally knelt down and told Heavenly Father my situation and what I was feeling. Exactly what I was feeling. Just like I would talk to a friend. Then I listened and thought and read the scriptures. The impression that I got from the Spirit is that Heavenly Father wants me to be happy. "...men are, that they might have joy" (2 Nephi 2:25). The path I was taking in college was challenging and making me kind of miserable. So, I switched my major. And it feels so great! My step-mom reminded me that we aren't just here to survive, we are here to thrive. 

Notice how God didn't tell me exactly what to change my major to or what I should be when I grow up. He didn't tell me which path to go down when I came to this fork in the road. I had to work through it and basically make the decision on my own, then He confirmed to me that it was right. I've found that this is not always the case, but often. And because of that I learn more about myself and God's plan for me. :) 

xoxo
Loni