Becoming a Mom

Let me preface this with saying that being a mom is my favorite thing ever and better than anything I've ever done in my life! Ezra is an angel and the thing I am most proud of. But I want to talk about how the first six months of being a mom (or parent in general) has still been pretty hard and something that I feel like no one can prepare you for! After talking with some friends about how no one really talks about the difficulties of the first bit of motherhood, I thought I would write about it for us. :) Even though I'm not a writer at all, and this will be all over the place for sure, I do care about helping others in any way I can, and I started this blog a few years ago because I felt like God wanted me to try to help others by sharing my experiences.

Ok. So we all think pregnancy is hard. And it is. Then we are all scared for labor and delivery and read/learn everything we can to be prepared for it. We ask everyone we know how their pregnancy was and how their delivery went and they tell us. Sometimes it helps, but not usually because every individual is SO different! Luckily I have an awesome sister-in-law who warned me a bit about the recovery after giving birth, but a lot of women that I've talked to had no idea about that part.

I'm just gonna be real. So sorry in advance. I had stitches from tearing and hemorrhoids from pressure and pushing. Once the anesthetic wore off it hurt so bad to do anything but lay down. And even that hurt. I was taking ibuprofen and sitz baths but the only thing that really helped was time and sleep.  Which, what new mom gets to sleep, right? I wanted to just sleep for a week straight after delivery. Oh yeah, I kind of always wondered before I had a baby how it worked to go to the bathroom after. Well there's lots of pain and bleeding and eventually chaffing. Yep, told you I was gonna be real. Oh and don't forget about getting peed on and pooed on and spit up on multiple times a day. I hope you have a washer at home!

Then breastfeeding hurt just as bad if not worse. I just remember sitting on my couch and trying to get as comfortable as I could before I fed Ezra. EVERY TWO HOURS. You literally feel like all you are doing is feeding. It seemed like I had just finished and it was time for him to eat again. Like my nipples had just stopped hurting and then it was time for more pain. There were even times when I would cry when he latched on because it hurt so bad. Thank goodness for Lanolin and those magic gel pads they gave me at the hospital. Then I had to get over nursing in public. At first I would pump and bring a bottle, but I said screw that pretty quick. Now I'm a pro and so glad because it's so much easier to just do the real thing. With the whole normalize breastfeeding thing going on and all the laws that have been passed I just am embracing it! I'm proud to be able to feed my baby with my body! That's what it was made for!

They say to sleep while the baby sleeps but I couldn't seem to do that at first. I just felt like I needed to be awake for him even if he was sleeping. Even when my stepmom and mother-in-law and husband were there. Eventually I learned that it was fine and to sleep every chance I got! You literally feel like a zombie just going through the motions trying to stay alive and keep the baby alive. And most of us look like zombies too haha. Oh and I can't forget to mention that my dad asked why I still looked pregnant when we got home from the hospital HA! Yes, your uterus stays huge for a bit but don't worry it will shrink and you will too eventually! I felt like a disaster and my house felt like a disaster, which made me feel worse because I thrive on cleanliness and organization! Those things are just so minimal and unimportant though compared to the amazing opportunity you have to just spend time with a sweet newborn and the friends and family who come to support you.

Two or three weeks passed and I started to feel like a normal person again! Yay! Then the other difficulties came. There is the initial euphoria of this beautiful babe that's all yours. People bring you food and your mom or someone is there to help (hopefully), so really you are just dealing with the physical stuff at first. Then everyone leaves and goes back to their normal lives and you get the inadequacy and uncertainty of whether you can actually do this. Like how could God trust me with such a perfect, precious child of His and what if I mess up?! Then I was still tied to the house and the baby for the most part because I had to feed him what felt like every second. I would get so frustrated because my husband could leave for hours and do fun stuff and I couldn't (I still struggle with this one six months later). I felt like my life had completely changed and his had barely changed. Especially since he was such a heavy sleeper that he barely woke up at night when the baby did. Then there's finding a babysitter if you want to go out without baby. And not being able to just up and leave anytime you want because you have to get a third person ready and out the door which takes like at least 30 more minutes.

One of my favorite authors, Rachel Hollis, talks about this topic in her book Girl, Wash Your Face. And I'm going to talk about a bunch of her stuff now because it has helped me tremendously with this hard thing. She said it was the first time she was sure she hated her husband. I laughed when I read that because that's exactly how I felt! And she says it's totally normal and likely to happen again. Good to know. ;)

As you grow and the baby grows certain things get better and new obstacles arise! My body finally felt normal again after like 3-4 months. Looking back it seemed like that time was going by so slow but it actually went lightning fast! I'm so glad I just enjoyed each moment and didn't worry or rush too much because they are only little for so long. Now we get to actually play and chat and eat real food and it's a blast!

Here's the thing. You aren't going to mess up. You are blessed with mom super powers. I know that sounds dumb, but I sincerely believe I gained more than a baby when Ezra was born. God wouldn't put us here and ask us to "multiply and replenish the earth" and then just leave us hanging. Rachel says, "you can't fail at a job you were created to do." She talks about how a new mother's list of daily goals boil down to 1) take care of the baby (feed, cuddle, change diaper, keep it warm, love it), and 2) take care of yourself. My baby is almost 7 months old and I still remind myself of this advice when I feel like I have to do a million things. If you are both still alive at the end of the day you know what that means? SUCCESS!!!

Rachel says what helped her was finding friends who were also new moms, staying away from social media, getting out of the house, and talking to someone about her feelings. I have used all of these and they have helped me as well! I have also tried to find time everyday for me. Lately it's been mornings before Ezra and Scott wake up. I do my workout and make breakfast and listen to something uplifting that starts my day off right. I could go on forever about this stuff but I think this post is long enough! I hope anyone will feel comfortable asking me anything because I love to talk about my experiences and help in any way I can!

My Hero

I was thinking about how I hadn't done a blog post in awhile...and how it's Father's Day weekend. So I thought, why not write a post about my dad! He is not only my hero but has always been my best friend, and he has been through a lot of hard things. 

I see parenting in general, and specifically my parents, in a whole different light now that I am a parent. I often think about my parents--where they were at and what they were doing--when they got pregnant with and had me, their first child together. I wish I could see them then and have more memories of us when I was little. I know it was hard for them, and I so appreciate their perseverance and resilience. I remember living in the trailer park near Canyon Park. Playing in Coal Creek, my dad teaching me to ride a bike, my mom trying to make me eat tunafish. We went to the Old Rock Church and my dad always jokes about how the only time he ever had to push me to go to church was in the stroller haha :) Like most first time parents, I'm sure they had no idea what they were doing, but they made it work, and I think I turned out just fine! ;)

When people ask me the most valuable lesson I learned growing up, I usually say hard work. I watched my parents both work so hard. They were my inspiration as coaches and teachers. My mom had three jobs. My dad worked on the mountain in the summer and went to college during the school year. I remember my first time working with him on the mountain building fence. I was probably about ten years old and I remember thinking, holy crap, how does he do this all day every day?! We were lugging trees up a huge hill and loading them into the truck. I realized that's how he was so buff haha! Every day he works up there he has a "safety lesson" where he reads the thought of the day from President Gordon B. Hinckley's Stand a Little Taller book. He knows God will protect him and all his workers if they start their day with that and a prayer.

I cannot even imagine going to college with three kids! It was hard enough with no kids! Good thing he had me to help him write his papers ;) But my dad pushed through and I remember the day he graduated. I was SO proud. I remember him staying up late studying for hours for the Math Teaching Praxis test. I lost count of how many times he had to take it before he finally passed, but he just kept right on trying until he did. Now, I had to take that test, so I understand how hard it was ha :)

I'm not an addict, so I can't relate as well to it, but I am pretty sure overcoming addiction is one of the hardest things one could have to do. I watched my dad go to 12 step class every week. Sometimes I would go with. It always made me proud of him. He always had a testimony of Christ and the Atonement. And he used it. The strength that it takes every single day is unbelievable, but he has it. And he shares it with others. He uses his experience to help them.

Funny that I thought I would be able to write this without crying. 

Having a highway patrolman walk up to you at a wrestling and tell you your wife of 19 years had been in an accident. Then going and telling your two kids that were there with you.
Having to calling your teenage daughter on the phone and tell her her mom is gone.
Having to plan a funeral for someone you thought would be planning yours.
Having to parent three kids on your own when you've always had a partner to help you do it.
Having to figure out how to comfort them when you have no idea how to even comfort yourself...

Having to go through every other hard thing about losing a spouse. I cannot even imagine. I often think about how that would probably be the hardest thing I'd ever have to do, in my opinion. I lived in the basement my senior year, and I would hear my dad walking around upstairs in the middle of the night because he couldn't sleep. I would cry for him and my heart still breaks for him. He started dating and that was hard after not doing it for 20 years! But he showed so much faith, and because of that, my mom and God helped him find the perfect person to marry and be his companion for the rest of this life. Because being alone...HARD.

After all of that, blending a family is still freaking difficult. We all still sometimes struggle with things not being how they used to be, even though it's been almost six years! My heart goes out to everyone who is a stepparent and who has brought two families together. Parenting your own kids is hard enough, but figuring out how to parent another person's kids with them and love them as your own is the work of angels! It takes a lot of humility, love, and patience. Thank goodness my dad and stepmom both have those qualities! And they get to practice them every day ;)

My dad lost his dad a couple years after he lost my mom and I know that was really hard on him. He looked up to his dad so much and still misses him a lot. But he always says how he now has these two angels looking out for him and helping him through.

He teaches and coaches high school kids in the way that Jesus Christ himself would. A lot of these kids struggle. They've had rough childhoods. Their parents may or may not be in the picture. Then he has his own wayward children to deal with. But my dad parents them. All of them. I've watched him teach and coach and be a dad and it literally brings tears to my eyes because I feel the love he has for them pouring out. I wonder how he does it, and I hope someday I know, because I want to do it. I have wanted to be just like him ever since I can remember. And I will be happy if I'm half the teacher/coach/parent that he is. 

Pregnancy!

I can't believe it's been over a year since I wrote a blog post! Yikes! I wish I was more on top of it. I really don't have an excuse. But today Scott is gone and I just had a feeling I should write! It's less than a month till our little guy gets here! I can't believe how fast it has gone. But I want to give a little backstory of the pregnancy in hopes that it can help someone out there. :)

I was going to be finished with school in December 2017 and then we are moving out of state in April 2018. So we wanted to try to have a baby within this four month window while we were still in Utah near family. We were very blessed and basically got pregnant right away last spring. We only knew for a week or so before I lost the baby. It was during finals and the process of moving to Kansas for our summer job, so I didn't really even have time to realize what was happening. Of course I was sad, but I was also so busy that I didn't have much time to think about it.

Scott's summer job is very demanding and we hardly ever see each other. I was also working and taking a full school schedule. Eventually during the summer it hit me and I got pretty down. With my friends being pregnant and having babies I was sad that I wasn't. I wondered if it was something I did. The one thing I have always known I'm supposed to do in this life is be a mom, so I just felt lost. Then I also felt guilty for being sad because there are people who can't get pregnant or lose their babies later on, so my problem seemed so minuscule comparatively. Any miscarriage is hard, but knowing the anatomy of it, how often it happens, and God's plan helped Scott and I overcome the sadness we felt. I just had to trust that everything would happen how it was supposed to, even if it wasn't the timing I had expected.

Pregnancy is different for every single person, and I have been pretty blessed to have a relatively normal and healthy one. But now I know that having a baby in December would have been SO HARD for me! My first trimester I was sick but it was mostly after I was finished with my summer classes and work and before starting student teaching. Then I was blessed to be student teaching during mostly my second trimester, when I had energy and mobility. I just got back from a little walk around the block today and it was painful and exhausting, so I can't imagine teaching PE all day every day in this condition haha!  And then the past couple months since finishing school in December I've had time to prepare for baby to get here while still working a flexible job.

Yes I'm in pain and uncomfortable and ready for him to get here. Yes it has killed me to not be able to exercise or sleep like I want to. Yes my body may never be the same. But, just feeling him move inside of me gives me hope and patience and so much love already. It is an amazing privilege and responsibility to grow a human and bring him into this world! I'm a first time mom and don't know really anything about babies or motherhood. I'm sure it will be hard, but so so worth it. Like I said, I feel like I was born to be a mom and am so grateful and excited that I get to be one! I wouldn't have made it this far without all the amazing mothers in my life, and I am grateful for their continual support and love and example to me.